Sunday, May 3, 2009

I'm Dying

*JMJ* Yep I'm dying. Not in a sense where I have a fatal illness at the moment or anything. But I'm dying. I'm 40 years old and I know that one day I'm going to die. No matter how well I take care of my body, I'm going to die. I thought of this post for awhile. It's kind of morbid. No one wants to talk about death. Especially their own. It's a post where you'd probably not want to read in a regular day to day blog. But.....this is my Catholic blog. =) This is why I started a Catholic blog. I can write about Catholicism. You don't have to visit or even look at my Catholic blog if you don't want to. I'm OK with that. It's who I am. Catholicism is so much apart of me, I can't deny it. Because if I did, I would be denying Christ. I live my life like I am dying. I know that sounds morbid. Like I have mentioned previously, I have been a Catholic for ten years now. And since then, I have really grasped the notion of having a purpose in this world that just belongs to me and no other. I know that because God created me. And we're all unique. Since that first Christmas that I became Catholic I realized that presents, snow and decorations wasn't the true meaning of Christmas. For the very first time I realized who John Paul ll was at the Midnight Mass on EWTN. I learned what "this" Rosary was and meant. When I stumbled into the Adoration Chapel and sat down (I was 30 at the time), I thought, "My gosh. This is what I've been looking for for the past 30 years of my life!" I was literally looking around and thinking....."Does anyone else know about this place?" Seriously. I had absolutely no clue. How did I find Christ? Who brought me to the place I was at? Why did I feel compelled to enter into the Catholic church after my grandmother had passed away? I have to be honest here. The R.C.I.A. was very difficult for me. There were time I would just cry because I could not grasp all this Catholic stuff. It was just so overwhelming. I just could not comprehend what in the heck this Mass "thing" was all about. Oh but I no. I know how I conjured up this force to keep moving forward. And let me let you in on a little secret. That's just it. It wasn't me who fell into this. Oh no. It was Christ's will. And I just happened to follow, by some miracle. Because trust me, it wasn't and easy road. I use to say all the time in prayer, "Christ, why do you want me to be Catholic. I'm such a lousy Catholic!" And I surely don't set a good example. And whom would I be a good example for? And who's steps would I foll0w? Just who was left in my life who hadn't already abandoned me? I had many adults who were older than I, who chose to turn their backs on me. That's the sad truth. But even with all that pain, it was not from me to find a "religion" to help me get through. Oh no. The faith that the Lord had given me to continue on with the Lord's plan, had nothing to do with with them. It had to do with Christ, and me being apart of the Lord's plan. I feel that those sad people have failed their test. Because if they did the Lord's will, then they would have never of turned their backs on me. Period. They are going to have to deal with the consequences of their actions. This isn't my religion. They don't have to make anything up to me. Oh no. They don't ever have to look me in the eye ever again and tell me that their sorry. Nope. I don't expect an apology from them. They can turn their backs on me. But I pray for those people that they don't turn their backs on the Lord. Because that is not good. Quite frankly, that can be dangerous. Also when I was becoming Catholic I would be arguing with the Blessed Virgin Mary to the confessional in my car! I would say to her...."Why do I have to do this? I'm just going to commit this sin again. This is so stupid. This is so dumb." I was like a little kid having a tantrum! I still have a hard time laughing about it all to this day! That was such a hard time in my life at the time. Because let me tell you, the Lord was laying it on thick. And I mean thick! He was letting me know about ALL of my lovely flaws and it was starting to get on my last nerve, let me tell you. Going back and forth to the confessional was a nightmare! Anyway moving along and getting to the point. It was by the grace of God that I became Catholic. I know from the bottom of my heart, that my faith is a gift from God. Because I could not continue on to this day, without Christ's plan for me. Every night when I lay my head down...."Lord did I do your will today and not my own?" I want to live every day for the Lord. I'm going to die one day! I'm going to be judged. The Lord is going to look into my pitiful eyes one day. My soul is going to be so bruised that I won't be able to look into the eyes of my Lord one day because of my sinfulness. But......wouldn't it be nice if the Lord said......."Every day of your life, you tried to do my will." Because folks, the end is coming. That's a sure fact. Are you preparing for your death? We don't know if we're going to live to be 100. I think the Lord has let me in on a little secret of my purpose in life. I am living my life by that little secret and the Lord hasn't stomped that notion out yet. I think I might be on to something. As long as I stay focused on the Lord's will. Period. The End.

1 comment:

Aaydens Mommy said...

Intersting post, even though I'd rather not think about you dieing. But I do realize that everyone will die some day. At least you had the Lord to fall back on through all of those tough times! It sure does help.